With the respect due to the self-congratulatory beautiful people of Hollywood and a healthy desire to have a laugh as we slog through the last weeks of winter, here are the
Top Ten Things I’d like to Hear at the Academy Awards.
10. And the host of next year’s Oscars is Billy Crystal.
9. This is for you, Mom (waving middle finger on one hand, while clutching statue in the other)! Your constant belittling was the perfect prep school for Hollywood.
8. Mr. Scorsese, you left your iphone in the restroom. I entered my contact info for you. You’re welcome (from a person hired as a seat filler).
7. Ladies and gentlemen, the wickedly tongue-tied Joan Tribbleta!
6. The Academy Honorary Award for unintentional comedy in a foreign film documentary goes to Rob Ford.
5. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! (Silently screamed by every designer who had a gown on loan to any actress within range of pizza.)
4. I’d like to thank my plastic surgeon. I always wanted to look like Wayland’s girlfriend, Madame.
3. And now, based on a review of TMZ, reality TV shows, inside information from Dr. Drew, police blotters, and a poll by the members of the Academy, we present the nominees for next year’s In Memoriam.
2. I’d like to thank the Academy - in spite of terrible direction, dreadful plot, and a deadbeat supporting cast – for recognizing my brilliance. Screw you guys! I’m goin’ home.
1. Wait . . .What? Steve McQueen’s not dead . . . and he’s British???