April Foolishness

5 04 2017

Someone once described Spring Fever as that time of year when the iron in your blood turns to lead in your ass.  Sounds about right to me.

After a few weeks of March meteorological mayhem, today was breathtaking. It was one of those days when the air is the perfect temperature, the sky finds maximum blueness, the sun is properly warm – you know, one of those days when you can just feel the energy of the new season all around you.  Guess that’s what makes me feel so lazy –  it’s all the hard work being done by birds, bulbs, and buds all around me. I’m worn out by proxy!

Okay, maybe I left out a little of the story, like this morning, when I raked 500 gallons of leaves out of my perennial beds so I could see these happy little promises of more beauty to come.  Maybe I understated the effort made to keep the feeders filled all winter long, so the birds might choose my yard to nest. I could have overlooked the careful pruning, cutting back, dividing, and otherwise babying of the plants I love.

Proxy Schmoxy!  I’m just plain worn out!

April, you are exhausting, but you are worth it. When you smile, you are pure beauty. Tomorrow . . . well that’s another story . . . we all know what a crybaby you can be.  Whether you’re sunny or gloomy, I love you, April. You are always filled with promise and that’s enough for me.

 





Forecasting Foul

27 07 2016

It’s HOT!

frog 6-18 (3)

 

Well, of course it’s hot – it’s mid-summer!

It’s extra hot right now, though, because of a weather phenomenon known as a heat dome, which the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration explains like this:

“A heat dome occurs when high pressure in the upper atmosphere acts as a lid, preventing hot air from escaping. The air is forced to sink back to the surface, warming even further on the way.”

Okay, I am a big fan of science, but I think the good folks at NOAA and the National Weather Service have overlooked a critical piece of this phenomenon:

The Republican and the Democratic National Conventions.

Folks, if we want to combat climate change, we should simply look to our politicians . . . more to the point, we should permit them to speak only when they are telling the truth. By my most unscientific (totally made-up) calculations, the resulting reduction in CO2 emissions would amount to a lot more than just a Hill of beans. It would likely Trump even the limiting of Bern-ing fossil fuels . . .

And let’s not forget, it’d sure reduce the methane problem, too.

Image2b

 





28 Days of Grey

25 02 2015

All discussion of long-term climate change aside, it’s been stupid-cold for too long now.  I, like many folks, wilt during winter’s weak and brief periods of sunlight and severe and extended periods of frigid temperatures. With that admission on the record, here are

The Top Ten Reasons It’s Time For March.

10. Daylight Saving Time arrives, dropping the green flag on the race to spring!

9.   Dressing like Michelin Man to get the mail is getting exhausting.

8.   Static electricity:

I can fry the TV with an index finger, if I forget to touch other metal first.

7.   Fewer snotty noses . . . can’t vouch for attitudes . . .

6.   I look less crazy at the ice cream shop.

(I will eat ice cream in any weather; I just look less abnormal when it’s not two below.)

5.   The end of the mattress sale (and mattress commercial) season.

4.   The top news headlines won’t be dominated by meteorologists.

3.   Cars can begin to return their natural color, instead of road salt gray.

2.   February Funk replaced by March Madness.

1.   Mad Mildred (my mom) will celebrate her 85th birthday –

2-25-15 probably by bowling a 200 game.

 

February, it’s not you; it’s . . .  wait, it IS you.

You are a cold, menacing, ugly, grey jerk and I won’t miss you one bit!

Buh-bye.





Phil, Pete, and Preposterousness

4 02 2015

Today’s post is courtesy of guest blogger,  roommate to Facebook cavy sensation Pig Newton, Mr. Simon.

Good evening. I have been retained to offer a second opinion as to whether we, as predicted by that fame-whore woodchuck Punxutawney Phil, will be experiencing six more weeks of winter weather.

My conclusions are thus:

You’re an idiot. I’m a guinea pig. I have no idea what the weather will be. Now give me a carrot and ask the dog who will win the 2016 presidential election.

 

2-4-15

 

Oh, while I have your attention, let me tell you that Pete Carroll’s decision to not call  Marshawn Lynch’s number with the game and the ball on the one-yard line was not the most ridiculous decision ever made. The most absurd decision is to not vaccinate your children. Sorry Pete, you take second place (again). Better luck next year.