I Want My Real TV

26 07 2017

It’s the time of year when I begin to crave the return of my favorite television shows: The Blacklist, Elementary, Sherlock (PLEASE, Mr. Gatiss, bring back Sherlock).  There’s only so much baseball to be watched and there’s nothing else interesting, so I thought, in the wake of Shark Week on Discovery – a channel I never watch – I might offer a few suggestions for revamping their lineup to appeal to a different crowd – still not me, but what the heck!

Here’s my Top Ten Reimagined Discovery Channel Series for Summer 2017

10. Deadliest Catch – Law & Order Edition 

A man has an affair, contracts STD, which he shares with wife, who kills him. Ghost of Johnnie Cochran gets her off, but she later serves time for trying to steal back her family’s china.    

 9.  Naked and Afraid 

A groping, er, gripping documentary about the TSA

 8.  Mythbusters

Cancelled due to the total buying of all bullshit by too many Americans

 7.  Man vs Wild vs Batman vs Superman vs Predator vs Kramer

 6.  Dirty Jobs: the United States Congress

 5.  Amish Mafia “Leave the gun. Take the Funnel Cake.”

 4.  Gold Rush

Top interior designer Midas McGilditall redecorates the West Wing

 3.  River Monsters

A behind the scenes look at the current White House staff

2.  Tweet-Storm Chasers

Starring anyone but Donald Trump

1.  Jump the Shark Week

Promoted as a race between a great white shark and a great white swimmer. Turns out to be an open water version of a time trial for  Phelps (the non-shark) with a computer generated (also a non)-shark, animated to approximate the swimming speed of a real shark.  Anyone want to see if there’s anything in Al Capone’s vault???


Well, I Hope THEY’RE Happy!

24 05 2017

Those people who planted that zoysia grass . . . I hope they’re happy now . . . with their ten months of brown lawn . . . They are getting what they deserve.

I am a suburban landscape geek, so I research plants, their positives AND negatives, before I bring them into my yard.  I would never ever plant zoyzia grass here in Zone-something-less-than-9; that stuff is only good for warmer climates. Unfortunately, some of my neighbors are definitely not plant geeks and are apparently quite susceptible to late-night infomercials touting the “benefits” of this noxious invasive thug of a diva grass and they did plant it.

They are now in deep mourning over the money they wasted to plant a lawn that looks dead for all but five or six weeks a year, but this is not the time for schadenfreude. My neighbors are not the only ones who suffer.  Did I mention zoysia’s invasive?  The damn stuff is now moving into my stays-green unless snow-covered climate-appropriate grass and muscling it out.

Their error is costing me money.

In the last few weeks, I’ve come to see  that Trump’s like zoyzia grass . . . although someone else invited him, he’s still ruining my party.  The fact that his date looks miserable does not ameliorate my suffering one bit!

What to do?

I can’t remove my neighbor’s lawn, but I can vigilantly uproot the bits of ugliness that try to seep into mine.

I can plant more flowers to act as barriers to the bad stuff and increase the beauty of my yard.

This will help me and my neighbors who can also enjoy my lovely landscape – and I will get so much more out of sharing the good than if I just stood on my property line yelling obscenities at them for planting that damned zoysia grass.

As Candide said, “We must cultivate our garden.”

Here.  I grew these for us.

Poll Vaulting

17 08 2016

It’s been a busy few days of television viewing, flipping channels (the only kind of flipping this girl’s qualified to do) between the Olympics and the ongoing Presidential race.  I think I’ve gotten a few signals mixed and have begun to wonder what if the American presidential race were mashed up with the Olympics.

Yes, I know it’s crazy, but why shouldn’t it be – we are talking American Politics 2016-style.

Here are my suggestions for the Top Ten 2016 Presidential Polit-oympics.

10.  Mike Pence – Very Whitewater Kayaking

9.  Gary Johnson – the Longshotput

8.  Tim Kaine – Rhythmic Women’s’ Health Gymnastics (Okay, he seems sincere about keeping his religious beliefs separate from upholding the Constitution, but I had to go there.)

7.  Jill Stein – barred from competing: took PEDs but refused vaccinations

6.  Reince Priebus – weightlifting:  Clean up after the Jerk

5.  Debbie Wasserman Schultz – Platform Nosedive

4.  Chris Christie – Beached Volleyball

3.  Bernie Sanders – the 4-Year-College-Tuition Freestyle

2.  Hillary Clinton – 100-meter Dash from phantom fire at the Rio Airport

1.  Donald Trump – Fencing, of course . . .

* and it’s going to be the Greatest . . . unless I lose . . . then, it will be rigged . . . Oh, and let me tell you, Hillary can only compete in the cycling – the menstrual cycling. I’m being sarcastic, but not that much . . . Let me tell you folks, Hillary Clinton wants to abolish the shooting categories . . . You know, the slalom just sounds so muslimy . . . My daughter looks great, she just looks fantastic . . . Under Obama and Hillary, the Chinese will continue to kill us at these games . . .

*The Big Angry Orange’s ghostwriter was my dear makes-me-laugh-out-loud-every-day husband. He wins the gold for this riff.

p.s. I was going to offer an apology to the US Olympic team for besmirching the Games with politics, but then I remembered what’s in the water in Rio . . . I figure they’re already accustomed to the crap.








Narcissism of the Nicest Variety

13 04 2016

How many times have we heard the term “narcissistic” used to describe a political candidate?  I know I’ve lost count.  There is, without question, one contestant who certainly fits the clinical definition. I would, however, as an avid (understatement) gardener, appreciate it if the media would choose another term.  Referring to the Evil Angry Orange as a narcissist is truly an unfair slight to a beautiful plant.  See for yourself.

narcissus backlit 1

Narcissus ‘Thalia’ – she’s looking toward the sun and I am on my belly, shooting close from the north side, about 6:30 p.m.

thalia 7

The angle of the sun through those iridescent petals was pretty special.