Dirty Little (Fashion) Secrets

3 05 2017

We’ve all seen the stories*  about Nordstrom’s newest trendy (?) clothing offering:

Heavily distressed” jeans, covered in fake caked-on mud at the knees, the pockets, the back pockets

Yep, for just $425, you can get yourself a pair of PRE-DIRTIED BLUE JEANS and they don’t even use real dirt! 

Realizing that, if there is a market for such mass-produced dreck, there most surely is a more sophisticated and demanding market for artisan-made pre-dirtied dungarees and I just happen to have a few pairs of just such trousers!

Just think how “I deserve this Cosmo” you’ll look wearing a pair of these to your favorite cocktail hour.

These glorious togs are the result of years of careless gardening, wanton studio painting, and various other devil-may-care pursuits that involve spilling, ripping, and/or burning the crap out of something.  Given the amount of time it took to create these unique wearable works of art and considering Nordstrom’s is charging just short of $500 for their fakey-fake-fake-fakes, I figure mine are surely worth somewhere in the neighborhood of a new Tesla.

I mean, these are one-of-a-kind.

They stand up to washing – hell, they stand up AFTER washing. 

They also match every skin tone, shirt color, and stain known to womankind.

Nothing says “I am not an office slave” like these be-dirted beauties!


But wait, there’s more!  I mean, you can’t just toss on a pair of Guccis or Ferragamos  with these fantastic pants, can you?

Don’t you love these perfectly stained granny sneaks featuring the colors of grass, mulch, and potting mix.

You won’t find a more carefully worn (out) pair of slip-ons than these beauties. BONUS: in just a few wearings, these are sure to convert to peep-toes!

Folks, now that I think about it, these amazing original items just mean too much to moi, the artist, to sell at any price.  I’ve put too much of myself into them – including probably more than a few drops of my own blood after a bout with a rose bush or metal shears.  Sorry.  You’ll just have to settle for the mass-produced fake-dirt kind.

Or will you???

 Maybe I will offer a class – yeah, that’s it . . .  or a DIY kit . . .

Nah. Respect the process. This kind of greatness comes only with hard work and time – and  a massive amount of chutzpah.


* In case you live under a (leather-wrapped) rock, here’s a link to one account:


P.S.  I truly love my ratty jeans and barely-qualify-as-shoes. They represent hours of hard work that is also great fun. They look like rags, but, to me, they are my princess tiara – or suit of armor – take your pick.