Cabin fever and caucuses have conspired to make me a little bit crazy. Since looking at the real political news is depressing and watching Punxatawny Phil was promising, here’s a little mid-winter mash-up, featuring the ten “still in it” candidates for POTUS. I’ve arranged them alphabetically, in the name of fairness, of course. It’s just coincidence that Trump is on the bottom of the list.
It’s February and each of these folks would like you to vote for them, so let’s see what they predict based on whether or not they see their shadow.
Jeb! Bush sees his shadow and predicts six more weeks until he gets another new campaign slogan.
Dr. Carson doesn’t look for his shadow; he just stays asleep.
Chris Christie’s shadow creates mass panic until Neil DeGrasse Tyson explains that it is NOT a total eclipse of the Universe.
Hillary thought she saw her shadow, but it was just the cloud of suspicion created by the email server issue.
Cruz sees his shadow and points and shouts, “See! I DO have a friend! I DO Have a friend!”
Fiorina just can’t get out of the shadow of the other candidates.
John Kasich’s shadow is just annoyed that no one is paying it any attention.
Rubio does not see his shadow because his dazzling youthful smile just lights up every dark corner.
Sanders promises that everyone will have a free shadow and he’ll raise taxes on the sun to force compliance.
Trump sees his shadow and noting how dark it is, promises to have it deported.
Simon and Newt, who are not quite groundhogs but are very opinionated, approve this message.