I Saw Pundits Polling Santa Claus

23 12 2015

Since it’s Christmas Eve Eve and it’s (still!) Campaign Season, and, in no small part, because I am in the throes of some upper respiratory bug/fever-induced brainlessness, here’s my idea of the notes and cookies Old Saint Nick might find waiting for him when he visits the homes of our current presidential hopefuls (in alphabetical order, so as not to play favorites):

Jeb Bush

Sugar Cookies – plain vanilla

Remember, I’m the good Bush boy, so may I please have some support in the polls?

 Ben Carson

Snickerdoodles – because it sounds like he’d use it as an expletive

Thanks for the tool box, but I don’t do great with hammers. I think need a globe, this year.

 Chris Christie

Molasses Cookies – usually the biggest one on the plate, mixed up with some sticky stuff

Sorry about that delay between NY and NJ . . . you were late, so I ate your cookies.

 Hillary Clinton 

Thumbprints – perhaps should change the name to Fingerprints

I pulled strings to get NORAD off your fat ass; tell your elves to work faster on that server crap.

 Ted Cruz             

Rum Balls –when heritage meets hysteria

My friend Rush says you’re not real, but I know everything I believe in IS real. That reminds me, “Go Israel!”

Carly Fiorina

Ice Box Cookies – the fine line between working woman and the little woman

Don’t need you; I am a self-made woman. Don’t you watch the debates???

Mike Huckabee

Snowballs – may all your Christmases be absolutely white . . . and Southern Baptist

Aren’t your reindeer really Jesus horses? Oh, and can I play bass in my pal Nugent’s band?

John Kasich

Oatmeal Raisin – could be good for you, but no one really likes them

I know I’ve asked for this every year since I was six, but, please Santa, may I have a personality?

 Rand Paul

Biscotti – crusty and nutty

Get out of my house, you NSA spy!

Martin O’Malley

Cuccidati – these are good, but hardly anyone knows what they are

Thanks for knowing I exist!

                 

 Marco Rubio     

Peanut Butter Kisses – kind of pretty, but they make you thirsty

Just let me keep my foot out of my mouth long enough for Trump and Cruz to be declared insane.

Bernie Sanders

Coconut Macaroons – the confectioner’s homage to the Bernie hairdo

Redistribute a few things from me and my wealthy friends to some of your other stops, would you please?

Donald Trump  

Rugulah (two weeks old, leftover from his Hanukkah effort to kiss up to Israel) – dry, tasteless, crumbly messes

You work nights? Holidays? Ride in an animal-towed sled? LOSER!!!

 

. . . and we’ll hear him exclaim as he drives out of sight,

You know Canada’s close; you should be booking your flight!

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8 responses

23 12 2015
Cynthia

Spot on! By our make me smile, and I share the brain fuzziness with you. Nasty time of year to get sick. Merry cookie Christmas, Paula.

24 12 2015
scorchedeyebrowstudio

Thanks, Cynthia. Ho! Ho! Hope for a great New Year!

23 12 2015
Carol

Totally outrageous!!! Under u need a show…..comedy station? Fox? LMFAO!!!! Truly inspiration writing!

24 12 2015
scorchedeyebrowstudio

Thanks, my friend! I appreciate the love.

23 12 2015
elaine haag

Love, love, love your sense of humor. We have to have one in this crazy world today. Thank you, my friend, for a good laugh and I truly hope you feel better soon. Love ya, eeeeeeeeeeeee

24 12 2015
scorchedeyebrowstudio

My sweet Jessie would often say “Laughing is fun!” I remember her words and try hard to have some fun every day. Merry Christmas!!!

24 12 2015
theafine

Loved it, Paula!! You’ve got it nailed! I’ve booked MY flight to Australia. Canada isn’t far enough away (though I do love the “new Trudeau”) Happy Hols to you, my dear!!!

24 12 2015
scorchedeyebrowstudio

Teddi, I’m not good with the idea of Australia – the animals there are all out to kill us! My brother-in-law says New Zealand’s lovely, though. Here’s to a rollicking good 2016!

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