Tough Love

2 02 2011

February, must you insist on keeping me stuck inside my house?


Don’t get me wrong, I love home.  I am just not ready to do the customary winter doldrums chores – you know – the drawer and closet reorganization Olympics that many of us do every year while we wait for our gardens to thaw.

While there are plenty of storage spaces crying for my attention, I refuse to hear them. Hiding inside those messy cupboards and overstuffed desk drawers, there are Jessica memories; the “little things” memories that hurt more profoundly than the “big event” ones, because they represent the way life was every day with my beautiful daughter.

Almost six months after we lost her, I still reflexively reach for the door to Jess’s room to check to make sure she is tucked in and comfortable. I am stopped short at the threshold by the sting of missing her.  My recipe box, not to mention my music collection, has selections that will probably never be used again.  Although there is still an ample supply of  Sponge Bob and Spiderman and Scooby-Doo in all sizes, it is impossible even to find the right band-aid when I need one; none can cover the hole in my heart. 

Okay, February, I get it.

You are Tough Love. 

You are forcing me to reorganize my emotional house; otherwise, just like I can’t find my cell phone  user’s manual  for the desktop clutter, I won’t be able to find myself.  It is scary to let go of possessions, but after things are put in order, I always have a feeling of freedom and lightness.  I will let go of the pain, one bit at a time.   One day, it will be gone – out of the way – and I will have a beautiful unobstructed view of all that is good in my life, including the memories of my beautiful Jessica.



One response

3 02 2011

I have the same drawer for Jessie in my file cabinet filled with name tags and band-aids. I’ll be thinking about your very wise post all day!

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