17 11 2010

Time may heal all wounds, but no one can say how much time.  It has been over three months since my beautiful Jessica left me, yet my heart shows no sign of improvement.  It still amazes me that I am able to walk, speak, even to think, as damaged as I am.  Everyone tells me how strong I am – amazing, courageous, brave – simply because I go through the motions of my life – Bullshit.

There is nothing strong or brave about me.  

There is only the basic instinct to survive  .  .  .   

Instinct, and the incredible cocoon of family and friends who encourage me, give me their strength, and bravely face my distorted and crippled psyche while I wait for time to heal this most ragged and aching wound, the loss of my child.  They protect me, they keep me warm, they make sure I eat and sleep.  They also push me through the hard work of getting my life – instinct to survive is not enough – onto a new track. 

Like learning to walk again after a severe trauma, my days are painful and I find it easier sometimes to just not try at all.  Like good therapists, my friends know when to press me to persevere and when to let me rest.  Their balance of compassion and kick-my-ass-into-gear has kept me from surrendering to my loss. 

Grieving is hard work.  Helping someone grieve is also hard work.  I am awed and humbled by the time my friends and my family have expended and continue to pour into helping me heal.  Perhaps that is the time of the adage – their time, the time given to us by beloved family and friends – the time that heals all wounds.

Thank you for your time.



6 responses

17 11 2010
Margie Fultz

You may not feel strong or courageous, but you have taught me a lot about how to handle the hard things that life throws at each of us. I hope I have helped you. I know you have helped me. I love you.

18 11 2010

Healing is a lifelong process. We just become experts at it after a while. Paula, I don’t know your husband. Is he healing or resisting? My love and virtual hugs to you both.

18 11 2010
Jean Van Brederode

Eloquently said.

18 11 2010
Karen Henry

I agree with you, Paula. I am still trying to “get over” the lost, but I still expect to hear her laugh, giggle, and even start yelling over many things. Holiday blow up lawn ornaments, Steelers, Eagles, Syracuse Orange. I have driven by many times and can not stop. I am sorry! If there is some miracle cure, please let me know! Take care and try to have Happy Holidays!!!!!

19 11 2010

Grief and loss is what separates (figuratively) the men from the boys. Just surviving it is courageous my friend. Time takes time. I am so very proud of you for not only surviving, but doing so in such a way that is uniquely honest and true to yourself. You may not see your strength and courage, but those of us who love you dearly do.

19 11 2010
Tammy Estep

Paula, I can’t imagine your pain and I will not pretend to. Others are grieving with you. I thought I had met many brave,amazing and courageous people in my life. None hold a candle to Jess! My memories of Jess bring me comfort and I was lucky to have known her at all. I do know without a doubt Jessica was a “Live Well Loved” and she knew it too! We can all learn a lot from Jess. Smile like she did when you see someone you love. Find joy in the simple things that pass many of us by daily in our hurried life. I know I plan on stomping in the next water puddle I see with a big smile for Jess! Time does not heal all wounds….Time just passes. It is what we do with that time that matters. Your daughters legacy walks with you daily and shows in every creative piece of art, cooking, writing and song you ever sang. That’s how I know you will make it!

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